Serendipity

2006-01-20T12:34:00.000-08:00

Wow, long time ehh? I have been seriously busy lately. I will have to admit to posting in my AOL journal though it is private. Sue me.

There is so much going on here that I don't even know where the hell to start. My stepson finally had his evaluation with the early intervention group. My feelings were finally validated. He does have serious mental health issues couples with severe behavioral problems and possibly PDD (NOS) and ADHD. Ah to finally be heard. Maybe now my husband will begin to grasp why I have such a hard time parenting him. At this point, there is no doubt in my mind that I will need more counseling than him. After living with this child for almost 2 years I literally cringe at the sound of his voice. I am angry, hurtful, and downright done with this child. I do love him. I just cannot stand the mere sight of him now. Admitting that is hard but I need to be truthful if this is going to work. Parenting a child with any kind of disability is so much harder than it seems. Without the help from his birth mother who is a recovering meth addict and drank while pregnant with him, and the help, understanding and support from my husband or anyone else in his family I am worn out emotionally and have been pushed to the edge. Now a days I don't know if I am coming or going. I am glad someone finally saw what I see and validated me in the fact that I am not crazy, he does in fact have problems, and my husband and his family were wrong when they said he was a typical 3 year old. I am still dealing with shitty pants after 8 months of potty training. As if this wasn't enough for a family of 7 I got a call today that just about pushed me completely over the edge.

My step daughter will be 8 in May. That call confirmed what I have been telling my husband for awhile now. They believe she has a learning disability and needs some more counseling for the grief she has of losing her 3 week old brother 2 years ago. She was there when it happened and watched while the EMT's tried to save him. I guess he had a hole in his heart but they ruled it as SIDS. I had her in a group called Courageous Kids back at her other school and put her with the Hospice here for the same type of grief counseling. Unfortunately, that group has ended for the school year. The vice principal called to tell me it had ended but the counselor advised us to have her remain in a group and gave me numbers of the places where I canget her in. They feel she needs additional counseling in the grief area but on all other levels as well. So, now, we have to attend a meeting at the school about her learning disability and I will need to take her to other counseling appointments outside of the school. I am feeling very overwhelmed right now. I already deal with so much by myself because the hub works and doesn't believe in counseling. This has been such a hard first two years of marriage and I feel as though our world is falling apart at the seams. Man, I wrote a novel here. I write about this as much for the healing and venting as I do to document how far we have come or how far we regress.

Phhhhewwww....I need to take a deep breath. With both childrens needs and a marriage with 3 other kids who have their own issues and needs I am not sure if I can do all of this. Especially with their other parents 3 hours away and even without the distance they are seriously lacking in the parenting department.

Well, I must go cry now. My step sons mother just called to tell me she has no way of getting him for her visitation until Sunday. So, there goes my weekend without any kids and without him. I so need a break from him. Why? Why me?

Just sharing some pics.

2005-12-26T15:08:00.000-08:00

I am hardly in the mood to post a long entry today. Feeling rather blah. I miss my kids and find myself completely bored out of my mind without them here. Yeah, crazy huh?

I will post the pics first and come back later when I feel up to explaining my Christmas happenings.

Everyone wanted to see my new "do"......

The last picture is one that I took of myself. I played around with it and I think I will print and frame it for the hub as a gift since we had no money this year to give eachother gifts. The second one is a scary one of me without my "face" on. LOL

I will be back when I get a second wind.

::sigh::

Too many chocolate martinis this weekend. :0)

I think I am going insane.

2005-12-22T11:05:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I think I am crazy.

I am on some kind of emotional rollercoaster. I am a mess. One minute I am ok and the next minute I am sobbing uncontrollably. It doesn't take much. Really. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I am just sad. Sad for all the things I have done wrong. Sad for all the times I was disrespectful to my family when I was younger. Sad for all that I have missed. Sad for the way things have to be now in my life. Sad that I can't go back. Sad that it's too late. Sad that I am growing up and getting old. Sad that I can't give my kids more. Sad that sometimes I hate my kids. Sad that I am a mess. Sad that my mom is getting old. Sad that she is sick. Sad that I can't just pick up and go to her. Sad that money is the root of all evil. Sad that I miss my family. Sad that I have family I have never met. Sad that my family will be without me another year. I am just sad. I can't help it. I try so hard to hide it. I try so hard to be happy. I try. I try. I try.

I just can't shake it off.

I put a song on this journal. If you scroll down to the bottom of this page and forward to the second song you will hear it. The first time I heard it I broke down in tears. I don't know what it is about this song but it damn near kills me everytime I hear it. It reminds me of things to come. It reminds me of my Grandpa. It reminds me of how it was when he died. I had moved away and the day I got the call. It reminds me of the person he was. It reminds me of all of my mistakes. It reminds me of church and his faith. It reminds me that the older I get the more I understand and don't understand. It reminds me that I, too, should believe that there is more waiting for me and some day I will see him again. The older I get, the more I run to my roots and my upbringing in the church and try so hard to have what I had so long ago. Back then I failed to see what I had and how there are some things you can never take back. There are things that as a child you fail to see how much they mean to you until you are much older and they are gone.

This has to be one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard.

Here are the words and scroll down to hear it while you read the words.

Believe~ Brooks & Dunn
Old man Wrigley lived in that white houseDown the street where i grew upMomma used to send me over with things

We struck a freindship upI spent a few long summers out on his old porch swingSays he was in the war when in the navyLost his wife, lost his baby

Broke down and asked him one timeHow ya keep from going crazyHe said I'll see my wife and son in just a little whileI asked him what he meantHe looked at me and smiled, said

(Chorus)I raise my hands, bow my headI'm finding more and more truth in the words written in redThey tell me that there's more to life than just what i can seeOh i believe

Few years later i was off at college Talkin' to mom on the phone one nightGetting all caught up on the gossipThe ins and outs of the small town lifeShe said oh by the way son, old man Wrigley's died.Later on that night, i laid there thinkin' backThought 'bout a couple long-lost summersI didn't know whether to cry or laughIf there was ever anybody deserved a ticket to the other sideIt'd be that sweet old man who looked me in the eye, said

(Chorus)I raise my hands, bow my headI'm finding more and more truth in the words written in redThey tell me that there's more to life than just what i can see
I can't quote the bookThe chapter or the verseYou can't tell me it all endsIn a slow ride in a hearseYou know I'm more and more convincedThe longer that i liveYeah, this can't beNo, this can't beNo, this can't be all there is

(Chorus)When I raise my hands, bow my headI'm finding more and more truth in the words written in redThey tell me that there's more to life than just what i can seeI believeOh,

II believe
I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe

I was just checking on my formatting for my last entry and this song started to play and I just lost it. What the hell is wrong with me? This was no ordinary "lost it". This was all out sobbing, face in hands, heart wrenching sobbing.

I think I have officially lost it.

Has it been 6 days already?

2005-12-22T10:21:00.000-08:00

Wow. 6 days with somewhat peace and quiet! Has it really been 6 days already? Sheesh.

Liam is leaving today on the train to San Francisco to spend Christmas with his Dad and his side of the family. That means after today I have one week with NO kids! Oh there is a God in heaven! I so needed this break. Trust me. The day they were leavingI was beyond stressed out and everytime the kids did something bad I found myself humped over on the toilet crying my eyes out. They were driving me apeshit. I hate the week before XMAS. They forget who Santa is and what a lump of coal is. I reminded them every 5 minutes what it would be like to have coal under the tree. Do you think they gave a damn? Nope. They were honery little shits anyway.

So, back to the 7 more days of peace on earth.......

**sigh**

Believe it or not, I have been shamelessly bored! Who woulda thunk it? LOL Sometimes I scare myself. It has been nice though. I better enjoy it while I can because come the 30th Demon boy (AKA Brody) will be back along with Sarah & Justin. Then, it will be on I am sure. They will have spent 2 weeks with their other parents and trust me when I say "it ain't gonna be pretty" when they get back. 2 weeks of drinking nothing but caffeine and eating nothing but loads and loads of candy and cookies. They will have had no rules or chores, not even a bedtime for chris'sake. I can hardly wait. But then, that is why God created beer. Lots of it too! Santa better bring me atleast 2 cases of the finest beer ever made. If not, he is fired. Fat jackass anyway. He owes me.

So, here I sit..on my ass....doing nothing....a war is going on inside of my body....battle of the wills....clean house vs. not cleaning house.

Which do you think will prevail?

LMAO.....gee I wonder?

Ummm...I dunno

2005-12-20T15:02:00.000-08:00

Feeling a bit out of it today. 3 o'clock and still in my jammies.

I don't feel like baking cookies anymore. Don't feel much like cleaning or straightening. Don't wanna get up and shower. Can't see myself listening to Christmas music. Shudder at the thought of actually taking a shower.

Not feeling up to much today.

Been thinking. A lot. Today's thoughts have drifted to past holidays as a child. I sure miss the simple things we take for granted as a child. Things such as....decorating the tree with the folks, the smell of grandma's baking, caroling with the kids at school, old movie projectors operated by grandpa, the anticipation of opening gifts, warm feelings and hugs from the ones you love. Most of my day has been spent lying in bed remembering the good old days. Scene after scene played out in my head. I always thought that when I got older I, too, would be sharing in the hustle and bustle of making the season shine. I always thought I would be busy making pies and cookies with my grandma and my kids. Thing is, I can't bake worth a shit and have noone to teach me or share it with. My family is 2000 miles away and I hate it that I can't be with them. Even if I were there, it would/could never be the same. Since the death of my Grandpa everyone does their own thing. Since the death of my maternal grandmother, noone gets together all in one house. Things change. I hate change. I want one comforting thing I can hold on to and look forward to every year. I want to come together as a family and remember all the good that we have experienced as a family during the year. I want hugs and kisses, laughter and togetherness. I feel alone. I don't feel a part of anything anymore. This is what happens when you move away. Though I never made the decision to move away from my family, I still feel the guilt of missing out. There just isn't anything I wouldn't do to be at my grandma's house baking with her. What I wouldn't give to be wrapping presents with my mom sharing a chocolate martini or two like tradition dictates. So many I wish I coulds. So many regrets. So many family members gone. So many I love you's that I never said. My mom gets to go home for the holidays this year and I find myself longing with all of my heart to go along with her. I know it sounds crazy. This holiday season doesn't feel like home to me. I keep thinking that what if next year my mom isn't here? What if I lose a child? What if something happens to my only remaining grandparent? What if I never spend another holiday with my family together as a whole? Life is so short. It scares me sometimes when I think about all the time I have missed doing something special for someone I love. Maybe it's the fear of my own immortality. The older I get, the more scared I become. The craziest thing to me is that so much of what I miss is simply missed because of a lack of money. There are times in my life when I think to myself that I will do anything to have enough money to do the things that are important to me. Like holding my grandmother's hand in mine just one more time. Or, for instance, making homemade pigs in the blanket on Christmas Eve with my mother just one more time. Money. It always boils down to money. Money is evil. It make me think about doing bad things to get it so I can have what we need. MOney. Something so simple. A simple piece of paper can destroy a life. It can bring out the worst in people. I try so hard to not be materialistic. MOst of what makes me happy has nothing to do with money. It's unfortunate though that what I need the most can only be had by making money. Asswipe, toothpaste, food, shoes, clothes, roof over my head, all the above are things we need. I cannot provide for my family the things it needs without taking away from my family by working crazy hours and never seeing my kids or my husband. If I were to give up all of those things I just maybe, maybe, could save up the money to fly or drive home for the holidays. It all ties into eachother.

Sorry about that little rant. I was just thinking about how much people take for granted this time of year. Some people waste thousands of dollars on selfish little brat kids while people like me are worried about how they will provide food for their family the week after Christmas. All this and there are idiots out there who are more concerned with offending some foreigner with saying Merry Christmas! What has this world come to anyway? We have bigger things to worry about. I say Christmas, you say whatever. We all have a holiday to celebrate should it matter which one we chose to celebrate? Our country was founded on Christianity. Deal with it. This is my country. This is what we believe in. Why should I change that? I respect all faiths. I do not ask other people to not celebrate their faith or their holidays. Truth is, for the most part we are all celebrating the same thing just with a twist. It's all the same. If someone came up to me and was all like HappY Kawanza (sp) I wouldn't be offended. I would probably embrace their faith and ask about it so I could learn about it. Merry Christmas Damn It. Happy Holidays. Whatever. Just enjoy this life we have, spend time with the ones you love, be thinkful our creator (whoever he is or whatever you call him) created us. Just eat, drink, be merry, and forget all the other stuff. Life is short.

Merry Christmas,
Stacy

I would gladly take snow...

2005-12-19T13:21:00.000-08:00

...Over the freezing rain and sleet we have today and for the rest of the week!

Well, with the weather and what not I am housebound today. Yay me. I needed to get to the bank today so that our checks don't bounce. However, the bank will have to wait. This girl is not driving in freezing rain on top of packed snow. Nope. No thank you.

Instead, Liam and I are going to start baking some cookies here in just a minute or two. We are baking chocolate chip, thumbprint, and sugar cookies with icing. I can't find any of my cutters so the snowman one I just got will have to do. We decorated a gingerbread house yesterday. Liam was in heaven without all the other 4 kids here to get my attention. He is loving that we get to do all of this , alone, and together. I must admit to enjoying it too. My nerves have started to settle down. I am feeling a bit better now that the PMS bitch has left the building. Oh how I hate that woman!

Today has been a bit of a downer for me. I refuse to stop listening to Christmas music. I refuse to allow myself to be down and sad. Problem is...the music depresses me. I took a shower and was looking for a hair clip when I found it. I found the bottle of perfume that my mom wears. I put it on and started to cry. She has worn Opium body oil for years. I smell like her and it makes me miss her. I spoke with her earlier. She was on her way to the hospital. She is having a surgery today. They are doing a colonoscopy and the other one where they go down your esphogus. She has polyps for sure in her espohogus but may have them elsewhere. Once in there, they will cut them out and take them for cancer testing. I am worried to say the very least. I hope and pray that it is not cancer. We have been down this road before with her esphogus and breasts. All three times they were benign. After the heart scare and getting off with the pacemaker I worry that this time she won't be so lucky. Time will tell and until then, I will be praying for her.

Well, my sweet little man is here singing Santa Baby and dancing...wants to bake them cookies. I love you guys but who am I to disappoint my little Boo?

Catch ya later....

2005-12-18T21:14:00.000-08:00

Taken December 17th, 2005
Downtown Bend on the Deschutes River at Drake Park.

Bleep Bleep Bleep....snow again?

2005-12-17T10:45:00.000-08:00

So yeah, it's freaking
snowing again.
Guess what?
I don't have to driiive! LOL. Yay for me.

I woke up this morning to a full stuffy nose, a cough that is a bit too close to bronchitis feeling for me, and the cramps from hell. Never effing fails....no kids=red. Oh crimmony. When will this madness ever end? Just think, there is Christmas, with no kids. Too bad I don't have a bear skin rug and a fire place. I wanna be my hubs Ho ho ho.... for Christmas! *wink*

Ahhhhh, we are almost done shopping. All we need now is the stocking stuffers and we are officially D. O. N. E.! Halle'effin'lujah! I am not feeling very spirity right now. Oh I know, I will march into the kitchen and make myself a really strong schnapps and cocoa! That'll fix me right up and give me a much needed attitude adjustment since my hubby can't!

School break started yesterday and I sooo am happy to not have to get up early to get these kids ready for school for the next almost 3 weeks! The school called me yesterday to tell me that a group of Marines came to the school for the Toys for Tots drive and they had a large box full of stuff for our family. Rumor had it that I lost my job. The kindness of strangers new ceases to amaze me. That was an amazing feeling. My other 2 step kids left last night so I made a point of taking some pics. Some of them turned out really cute!

I got my hair cut yesterday for the first time in almost a year! I think I like the cut but I need to wash it before I show it to ya'll. I have layers everywhere now. I am not even sure if I can duplicate what my guy did to me. LOL. Oh well. We have some errands to run so I better get to it.

DJ just made me some homemade french toast with butter pecan syrup. YUmmmmmy. That man has this way of melting me....which is a good thing considering it's been in the negative digits here. Right now it is only like 10 degrees. Well, shit just doesn't do itself so I better go for now...

Ciao,
Stacy

2005-12-17T00:40:00.000-08:00

Damn kids!

2005-12-15T11:39:00.000-08:00

Kids.

I swear they will be the death of me and they aren't even in highschool yet.

I got a call from the school principle yesterday afternoon. Grrrrrrr.......

Jacob is going to be my trouble maker I can see it already.

** sigh**

He is in in-school suspension today for punching a kid in the face yesterday. Seems that some psycho punk at school was spitting all over people and my son decided to spit on him in the other kids defense. Intentions were right but not a good decision either way. The kid went all wang chung on everyone and when Jake tried to walk away the kid was going to spit on him, so Jake knocked the shit out of him to keep him from spitting on him. That's my boy....always sticks up for the underdog. I don't blame him for doing it and even his principle agreed that if it were him he would have wanted to do it too. However, my son has got to learn to keep his hands to himself and violence is never the answer. Unless, of course, he is defending his little sisters honor. Then he has my permission to kick the shit out of some kid. LOL

So, Jake spent the entire evening in his room last night "thinking" about other ways to solve disputes. He never "got" it so to speak. He still sees nothing wrong with what he did.

**** sigh*****

What do I do to make him see that he could really hurt someone and besides, he is the one who will get into trouble at school. I keep telling him to be the bigger man and walk away. I told him that by spitting on him he was allowing himself to look like a bigger retard than the psycho punk kid.

Is this what I have to look forward to with 4 boys?

Tis' the season....

2005-12-14T09:22:00.000-08:00

I made that tag last night from a picture I took in our living room of our tree....

So......seems that I have all this time on my hands all of a sudden Oh what to do, what to dooooo! I finally got around to decorating the tree! LMAO. Too bad this year our tree is sooo big that we ran out of silver beads so off to Wal-Mart I go this weekend to remedy that. I am still fairly irked about the whole job loss thangy ma-bob. Sure puts a cramp in the shopping end of the holiday ehhhh? Here I thought this year we would be able to have a nice Christmas and not kill ourselves with work and worry about buying 5 kids gifts. *sigh*. Not the case. Oh well what can we do? Absolutely nothing.

I am not real happy with the way our pics turned out but thats only because I was sicker than a dog and had a fever while taking them. I passed the chore off to the hub and he wanted to take a pic of me! Ahhh hell no! I was looking like that slut bag Medusa with snakes hissing and I was acting like her too! Ah tis' the season to be jolly.... again *heavy sigh*.

Well here are some of those pictures...I just think our livingroom looks so pretty with that damn $40 tree. It fuckin' better for that amount. Personally I think it should have been flocked in gold for Chris'sake!

And the tree all done.........

TA-DAAAAA!

Okay, I have waaaaaay too much time on my hands!

Ciao!

Worth a post?

2005-12-13T12:28:00.000-08:00

Well well well...tis the season. I must say I love certain peoples holiday cheer. Some of you already know what I am about to talk about but I am going to post it anyway because, well, I think it is worth the post. If you don't agree oh well sucks to be you. I am in a foul mood right now and I just may blow out some green snot all over your pretty little blouse.

As you all very well know I have been very sick. I was right when I said my boss didn't sound too happy yesterday. But, whadda ya gonna do? I am sick and I could have came in today unable to hear out of my left ear, fever and all, to spread the good "cheer" all over their lame asses but....I'm courteous like that and stayed home with my other 2 kids who are sicker than me!

What do you think I got today?

If you guessed the boot then you guessed right. Stick around and the Grinch will give you a prize...

Can you say PISSED OFF? Well I can too and I also can say a lot of other nasty four letter words right now!
Like saaaaaaayyy.... you stupid bitch! I am sick for fucks sake! I shoulda went in today and sneezed all over her nasty Grinch ass!

She's all "I know you are sick and you can't help that but we are really busy this week and we needed you"....

Did I or did I NOT say yesterday that if they didn't mind me being there cold and all I would have gladly come in...but noooooooo....she said stay home! OOOOOOOooooooooo I am soooo mad right now.

So, the moral of the story...forget being courteous, being mindful, giving a flying fuck, because in the end......you are only fucking yourself!

Hmmmmmph!

It's officially cold season here at my house

2005-12-12T15:30:00.000-08:00

YUp....official. I got the crud and I got it baaaaad. I hate this shit. Runny nose, stuffy nose, itchy ears and throat, body aches, swollen glands...yup cold season is here. I didn't sleep most of the night because of the body aches and because every time I woke up there was snot running out of my nose. Somebody get me a saw...gonna cut my nose off. I called my work this morning to tell them that I was planning on coming in but that I had a cold. Working in a Doctor's office means being around some older people and people who are homeopathically "well"so I wondered if they would want me there since I could possibly spread the "bug". I just thought they should know so that if they didn't want me there they had the choice of telling me to stay home and saving me the "Ewwww....why are you here with that shit, go home!"? I was right, she said stay home. She didn't however sound too happy about it. Last week I had stomach flu and missed a day. I told her I was totally cool with coming in today though inside I was saying "hell no I want to crawl back into bed" and she didn't sound too happy about it. I was just trying to be courteous to those around me. I would have gladly come in today seeing as how if I don't work tomorrow we will not be able to afford the Christmas gifts that are almost paid off in Layaway. I felt bad when I hung up but whadda ya gonna do?

Well, I am going to jump back in bed and sleep for the next hour before the kids get home from school. Lord knows I can't get any peace and quiet when they are home. I never did finish the tree yesterday and I promised to finish it tonight but I feel like shit. Maybe Daddy can do something for once and let me sleep... ::sigh::

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

2005-12-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

Wow. What a blur this weekend has been. Since all of our kids will be gone at their other parents for Christmas this year, we decided to have our Christmas festivities this weekend. Brody is already with his mom and the other two, Saran & Justin, will be leaving on Friday the 16th until they all come back on the 30th. After their returns, we will have our Christmas. All arrangements with Santa have been made. I think it will be sorta nice to ring in the New Year & celebrate Christmas with all of our kids at the same time. We worked on holidayfying the house yesterday by putting up the lights and decorating the inside of the house as well as getting a tree. We made our way to Wal-Mart to get some hot chocolate and candy canes. Following of course, was the trip to the "licker"store for peppermint schnapps.... I just had to add a little sumptin sumptin to my cocoa! ::grinning:: We got the most beautiful tree I have had in a long time. With our vaulted ceilings we were able to get an almost 9 foot tree. OMG how nice our house smells right now. This tree is a beauty. Well, to me it is anyways.....

I haven't gotten any further than the lights on it though. I am such a lazy ass today. Our intentions were to decorate, put up the tree, do outside lights, and watch the movie "Elf" while drinking hot chocolate. We did the outside lights, got the tree, decorated the inside of the house, and got the lights on the tree but that was it. I was tired. While we waited to leave to get the tree I managed to get a good pic of the kids... There is still lots of snow on the ground but none in the forecast for the next week. Like I said before, that's typical for here. Snows like a mo-fo for weeks and then nothing for Christmas. Irritates the shit out of me. I love a snowy white Christmas. We listened to Christmas music all night last night. I love the music but it sure can make me weepy. There are 2 songs that just make me cry everytime I hear them. The very first being Ave Maria sung by Andrea Bocelli (sp?). That song invokes such emotion in me. I can remember being at midnight mass with my Grandpa as a child on Christmas Eve. It's the whole Catholic upbringing thing. God, how I miss my family right now. If I could have any present in the world this Christmas it would be to be home in Illinois for the holiday.

I talked to my mom yesterday and found out my mom's family is paying her way to come home for the holiday. What I wouldn't give. I honestly cannot remember the last time I was home for Christmas. It has been atleast 10 years. I miss them so much. My other favorite song that makes me bawl like a baby is "I'll Be Home For Christmas" by Bing. It just makes me miss my family so much. This year all of our kids will be gone and it just be my hub and I. We could drive to the valley and spend it with his Dad or my Dad (which would mean spending it with my step monster). Neither choice does anything for me. I have only spent maybe 3 Christmas's with my Dad. It just isn't real festive there. My step mom sees to that. I hate going to DJ's Dad's house too. It just doesn't feel like home to me. I can't explain it. We have nowhere else to spend the holiday so this one is going to be hard on me. I miss cooking with my Grandma and all of the other stuff we did when I was growing up. I have been super bitchy this week and I think this is why. I am not used to not having friends and family to spend the holidays with. Besides, even if we wanted to go to the valley we can't afford the gas money. I suppose I will just cook us a dinner and we will sit at home.

Lastnight as my hub was fixing lights, Sarah climbed up in my lap and I sang Christmas songs to her and she feel asleep cuddled up to me. It was just too damn sweet. She loves it when I sing to her and she really loves it when I stroke her face. Puts her to sleep every time. My hub snagged a shot. I was chillin' with my drink in one hand and her in the other. I love it when she snuggles with me.

We had to do some serious furniture moving to make that tree fit! It never ceases to amaze me what we do to decorate our houses for the holidays! I keep having to do more each year as my snowman collection grows! LOL. I can't help it, I love snowflakes and snowmen. Next year if I can afford it I am going to do my entire tree in snowmen, icicles, and snowflakes. I think I may even flock the tree as well.

I love that big snowman. DJ bought it for me last year. This year we don't have the money to buy anything new. Hopefully, after the holiday I can get some ornaments and such at low low prices for next year. We will see....

The little town I used to have broke so all I have left are some of the trees and people. I still put them out every year anyways. It sure is looking Christmasy here at our house. I even put up the little train set we have and I will be putting it under the tree for the cats to destroy!

I got started on the stockings and realized that some of our stockings go the wrong way LMAO. I took them down and turned them around and re-did the glitter names. Did wonders for the arthritis in my hand. Oh well I really love doing that for my kids. That pic>>>>>is missing 3 stockings. They are now dry and up. Decorating this house has actually been kind of fun for me. I am trying to stay in the spirit this year but it is proving to be hard.

Remember the steaks I talked about earlier from The Cowboy Dinner Tree? <<<<<< Big huh???? That was our last one!

Well, I have bored you enough with my drivel. I don't know exactly what is wrong with me but I am going thru some kind of journaling funk. What I do know is that I am really missing J-Land and the interaction I had with all of my regular readers. I miss it. I am trying to feel at home here but it is hard without "all" of my family here. I rarely even post in my photo-j because I hardly get any visitors there. I dunno....it's weird. I guess I never realized just how much I did love the comments and interaction. I read other peoples journals a lot. I just haven't had the time to make comments. I am just in a funk and I think a lot of it has to do with me missing a lot of my old readers who didn't follow me here for whatever reasons. I don't feel at home here. I wish AOL wouldn't have done what they did. Pisses me off. I could give in and re-open my old journals but I just can't compromise my ethical and moral standing on this subject. It makes me sick to my stomach everytime I contemplate it. I just can't and I simply won't. Still makes me so sad though. I do however have some new readers here that I never had there and to them I want to say....Thank You for coming here and visiting. I do and will continue to read you. I may not always comment but I am reading. I will try to get around to everyone's journals next week when I am not working.

Well, that damn tree ain't gonna decorate itself so I better get off my fat arse and get to it. I took a really cute shot of my Princess Fuzz cat lastnight playing with the lights..check it out if you want at Behind These Brown Eyes ( my photo-j). The address is in my last entry.

Ciao,
Stacy

Lil' bit 'o' this and a lil' bit 'o' that........

2005-12-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

It's snowing again. I am tired of the white shit for fucks sake. When will it ever end? Oh wait, don't answer that. I already know the answer. It will end before Christmas so we don't have a white Christmas and when the kids have new snow boots and snow suits. It always happens here in Central Oregon. Always. Hmmmph..... The kids have no school today so they are playing out there in that crap. It's freaking cold here this week. Teens to single digits at night and today not even above freezing. I think the warmest we will hit this week will be 35 degrees. Colder than a witches titty. We had another round of freezing fog roll in last night too. Made for some slick roads too. I have been battling stomach flu for days now. I am sorry I haven't been commenting in anyone's journals lately but I just haven't been here or have been in bed or in the lou. I hate cold season...sucks I tell ya. I added some pics to my photo journal today. I wish I knew how to add a link here that says the name of the journal and not the http address....can someone enlighten me? Here is the link and when I can figure out how to put links in my sidebar I will. I am HTML challenged. So bear with me...... http://djzgirl2.blogspot.com/

My youngest son is with his mom this entire month and I am enjoying the peace and quiet. I have so much to say about him but not enough energy. I know that when he left this last time I was more than ready for him to go. I think I have finally hit that point where I am just done. Nobody else seems to think it is my responsibility to find help for him and I am burnt out trying to do so. Either that, or, they are all still in denial. I just know I cannot continue to carry this burden on my shoulders anymore. Something has to give and soon.

My mom is doing well. She was having some severe chest pains but that ended up being really bad anxiety attacks. The pacemaker is doing it's job though. This is really tough on her and I worry about her daily. Things will work out as they are meant to so I am hopeful this will slow her down and make her take care of herself better.

Well, I feel that familiar gurgling in my tummy so I better scram and quick like....sometimes I just can't make it to the lou in time ya know?

Ciao for now.....

Caution: Boring Up Ahead!

2005-12-05T08:21:00.000-08:00

The snow has finally stopped here in Central Oregon. I hope. It snowed almost every day last week and into the weekend. We had winter storm warnings in effect for days on end. But, the sun is shining now and I can drive again. The temps have been in the teens and single digits so this snow on the ground most likely won't be going anywhere anytime soon. Fine by me I say as long as it stays off the roads! We totaled about $350 in damages to our car. Good thing is that the one thing that costs the most is purely cosmetic so we are going to wait on that.

There is the damage I caused>>>>>>>>>

That little crack there will cost us over $200 to fix. Atleast the damages are within reason and doable. I could have totaled it and would up in the hospital and all that junk. I feel lucky.

Friday was my little boo, Liam's, 7th birthday. Poor little guy ended up spending a good portion of his day puking his guts out. I felt so bad for him. Of course I felt sorry for myself as well! I had to clean that shit up! I am soooo not a pukey kinda person. Oooo....eeeeeeewwwwwww. Yucky. We took him out for pizza the night before and they played in the little playroom thingy they had there. They had a blast!

It was nice having them run themselves ragged there and pass out cold when they got home! I love indoor play structures!

I can't believe he is 7 already. Seems like only yesterday I was holding him in my arms rocking him to sleep. Wow. Just wow.

Saturday night was my hubby's X-Mas party. His boss took us to the Cowboy Dinner Tree. This place was as authentic as they come. It was 80 miles out into nowhere. We pull up and it is just this little log cabin that seriously was built like they built the houses back in Little House on the Prairie. We got served these steaks that were almost as large as my freaking head! I mean they were enormous! This place is just tiny and it is someone's house. They are ranchers and slaughter their own beef there so that is why the steaks are so big! I have been eating the leftovers from my steak alone and I am not finished with it yet! They are that big! The tables were made out of trees and the floors were barely there. It was really neat!

The place is run on generators and it was almost lopsided. The food was damn good and the couple who own the place was without a doubt fine people! They gave great service and were genuinely good service. They had the Dad and the son putting up the Christmas Tree while we were there. It was a lot of fun. It was such a long drive there that we stopped and got a bottle of wine and some beer for the drive cuz this place doesn't have a liquor license. We were quite the rowdy bunch. Oh well we had fun! After that we met up with my best friend Shannon for a drink at Timbers Bar. I can't really remember what time we got home. I was pretty lit by that time. I payed severely for my fun time yesterday. Oh well I am not so old that I can't have fun anymore!

Well, I hope ya'll had a great weekend. I know I did!

Ciao!

Happy December Central Oregon Style!

2005-12-01T08:01:00.000-08:00

It snowed again last night and is still at it this morning. We have close to a foot on the ground now.

Yay me. I get to drive in this shit. Pfft.....

Here is a peek out my back door this morning.

A blonde breakthrough....

2005-11-30T09:22:00.000-08:00

Ok OK I finally figured out how to resize these damn pictures of mine LMAO.

Here is a pic of my morning.

Stupid Ass Snow!

2005-11-30T08:30:00.000-08:00

Remember me? Ya know, the one who just loooves snow? The one who just couldn't wait for it to snow? Ya, you know,me. I'm the idiot!

It snowed alright. 12 hours of non stop snow on Monday. 5-6 inches later, a dozen cars in the ditch later, and a very frazzled Stacy later was the end of the snow for that night. What the bloody hell was I thinking? I now hate the snow. I can't drive in that shit. I proved that yesterday coming home from work at 2 in the afternoon. Going along just fine at 25 mph and bam! Some ass clown stops and I was coming around that corner, which BTW was a sheet of ice, and couldn't stop. My ass end was coming around and I almost side swiped the car in front of me. A cop saw it all. I was not cited as it was not my fault. I didn't hurt anybody....just that pine tree and rock I landed on in the median when I decided to go 4x4n' instead of causing a pile up. Funny thing, and yes I thought it was hilarious, the cop that was there waiting with me while I waited for my husband to get me off the rock and pine trees, someone hit his car! LMAO. Fucking crazy I tell ya. The roads were slicker than snot.

I now hate snow.

I don't wanna drive, I'm scared!

I now have no air suspension in my rig and it's like driving a damn hoopty. I broke the suspension regulator, dented the skid plate, broke off part of the winch, and broke the bottom plastic bumper in two.

I suck.

First accident and I wasn't even at fault.

Thank God I am alive and the kids weren't there.

Do I have to drive in that shit tomorrow morning? Puhleeeeze tell me I don't have to!

::whining profusely here::

I hate the snow.

Hey JackFrost, Hey Frosty, bite my big white ass!

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....

2005-11-28T11:13:00.000-08:00

It is snowing and it is expected to keep on snowing all week. Here is a peek out my front window and my back slider.....

PS) Have I told you how much I love snow?

Pics of my holiday....

2005-11-27T18:13:00.000-08:00

Me & my love DJ.

Here are some pics of our 3 hour ride to Grandpa's house for Thanksgiving. The kids had so much fun on the way over there. You can't see Justin in this one because he is slumped over sound asleep. Liam had spent the wee morning hours throwing up so Sarah was babying him. LOL She is such a mother hen! As you can clearly see, there was no snow on the ground yet. That was about to change in a matter of hours after we crossed the pass!

After a bunch of mothering Liam, Sarah konked out! Shortly after that all of them fell asleep! Those two are too cute sometimes. The weather was already looking nasty and it was damn cold! Our trip over was fairly uneventful. I started raining after we got across the pass and started our way down the other side of the mountain into the valley. We had a good time while we were there but I was really ready to come home after our meal. Though, I really did not want to drive home in the dark. Little did we know it was snowing like a mo-fo up there anyways. I like visiting with my in-laws but I can only handle the filth for so long. They just do not clean their house and it drives me stark raving looney! Brody was in rare form as always and he shit himself every chance he could. I thought my husband was going to beat the child! OMG that kid has a nasty ass!

So, the time went fast and we eat so much I think we made ourselves sick. All of us spent a great deal of time in the bathroom the following day. Liam threw up some more and was running a fever. All in all though it was a nice time I guess. Not what I had in mind but it was nice to be with family. The food sucked for the most part but I survived. Next year I am sooooo cooking! LOL. This year was just very stressful with my mom and money was tight. Oh well. On Saturday we were watching the live cam up on the pass and found out they got a couple feet of snow while we were visiting. Oh the joy of driving the pass with packed snow and ice!

It was gorgeous! It was like a winter wonderland. I love driving through the mountains after a serious snow storm. To me, nothing is quite as pretty. Yeah, I know, I am crazy but I friggin' love now! The drive wasn't too bad though. They were saying that chains were required but we decided to make a go of it and we didn't get pulled over. It could have been lots worse. I have been up on the pass many times, alone. We drive a SUV so we do alright. Man I just can't tell you how pretty it was!

My favorite part has always been going through the tunnel. I swear I am 34 and not 5! I am sucha kid at heart! We always honk our horn and scream as long as we can make it. We try to scream all the way through the tunnel. The kids love doing it. Hell, I love doing it! Who am I kidding? If I could have I would have stopped the car and made snow angels! Without chains we couldn't stop because it was a sheet of ice the entire way home. It was like 26 degrees at 2 in the afternoon up there. We couldn't even stop for em to take pictures! I had to take them through the front window or with my head hanging out the window like a complete fawking idiot fool! Oh well, I will do anything to take pictures of the things I love!

The sun was shining and there was a beautiful orange sunset on the shimmering snow at the end of our trip home. You couldn't have asked for anything prettier. I love the weather here in Oregon. I posted two other pictures of our trip on my photo journal. I still have not learned how to add links to my posts so here is the http link .....

http://djzgirl2.blogspot.com/

Weatherman is calling for snow every day this week but one. OOooOOOOOooo....I love this time of year. I hate driving in the shit but I sure love looking at it. Well, time for dinner and then some hot chocolate for this ol' gal.

Night and I hope everyone had an awesome holiday.

Ciao!

**Made by Nae-Nae**

Update

2005-11-25T11:08:00.000-08:00

Currently, I am posting from Cottage Grove, Oregon. We decided to come down for the holiday. With everything going on with my mother I decided that being around family is just where we needed to be this Thanksgiving.

On to my mother....

My mother's heart doesn't always beat for itself. They found that it was stopping for a good 7-10 seconds at a time. The cardiologist made it extremely clear that had she not come in when she did she would be dead. He made the choice of installing a pacemaker.

At 7:30am (TX time) this morning she pulled through a 2 hour surgery to insert her very own pacemaker. Sheis now sporting some very expensive jumper cables to her heart. I am hoping that this will mean a brand new lease on life for her. I can only hope for the best. There always seems to be a catch though. She will need to be on complete bed rest for a couple of days and then after that she will have to have her left arm in a sling for 3 weeks and is not allowed to drive for 3 weeks. Question is, who will be there to take care of her? Even if I can come up with the money to get there, who will watch my kids and get them to school? We cannot afford for my husband to take off of work and it is already going to be quite a financial feat for me to take more time off from work. The conculsion I arrive at is this.....If I go there will be no Christmas for us and we may not be able to pay our rent. What do I do? My children and my husband (my life) should come first. My mom on the other hand, has spent her life taking care of me and has always put me first. What should I do? She needs me right now. If not me, then who?

I am conflicted and scared.

I need some advice and prayers.

Not a good Update

2005-11-23T21:22:00.000-08:00

I have another update on my mom. This time I wish I had better news to share with you.

I call again to check on her...the phone kept ringing and ringing. I called the nurses station because I was freaking out. I was told she had been moved down to the intensive care unit and was in stable condition for now. They then transferred me to the ICU station. This is where I got a bit upset and got my panties in a wad. The "nurse" I spoke too was like talking to an AOL rep. I couldn't understand one flipping thing he was saying. Maybe if I spoke in Spanish I would have understood. I was pissed because I wasn't notified.

I had to speak to someone else to find out that after I had talked to her last, her heart stopped beating a couple of times and her blood pressure plummeted. Again, they have no fucking clue about what is wrong with her. NONE. They have her on oxygen and she was awake but they have no phones in the rooms. One of the ladies she works with was there and I told her to tell her how much I love her and that I am so sorry I am not there to hold her hand. Her friend laughed because she said her and my mother had just discussed that she understood why I couldn't come.

I miss her.

What if something happens between now and the morning?

I just don't know what I will ever do without her if she doesn't pull out of this.

If by tomorrow they haven't figured out what is wrong with her but they plan on keeping her, I will beg, steal, do whatever it takes to afford a plane ticket. That includes begging my step-monster for the damn money! I have to get there and be by her side. Just to hold her hand. Something, anything. I HAVE to get there.

Please, I know I have asked, but please please say a prayer for her. Please pray that I somehow find the money to get there.

Thankful

2005-11-23T15:52:00.000-08:00

I spoke with my mom a short while ago. She is stuck in the hospital over the holiday. No one will be there to share the holiday with her. My heart aches for her. I miss her so much. My mother and I have had quite a temptious relationship over the last 4 years. I realize now that most, if not everything, has been my fault. Funny how much I have grown up in the last 2 days. The thought of losing someone you love has a way of doing that to you.

As I sit here and type I can't help but think about how our last couple of holidays have been so bad together. In fact, they were downright nasty and she vowed to never come back for another Thanksgiving or Christmas.

See, the last time she did come I was drunk by 5. I was sooooo out of my mind with hurt and anger. I lost my boyfriend of 3 years. After almost 2 years he began hitting me and verbally/emotionally abusing me. Our "friends", and I use that term lighty, didn't believe he had hit me. So, they made the choice to continue their friendship with him. I was completely devastated by all of this. The next Thanksgiving and Christmas I still had my head in a bottle. I was drunk by 5 or so everytime. She was there for me. She was there that New Year's Eve when I thought about slitting my wrists. She was there for me when I was face down on the livingroom floor, piss ass drunk crying my eyes out for hours, and she cleaned me up and wiped the tears and snot away. She was there for me thru both custody battles and my divorce. Point is, she was there for me no matter what. I have ruined many of her holidays with my drinking and my bullshit. Now, the dust has settled and I married again and am happy. Now, I sit here and wish we had this holiday together so I could make this one better than any of the rest. I sit here wondering how alone she must feel. The regret is bittersweet. Bittersweet because I am glad I see the error of my ways, bittersweet because this could have been her last holiday, bittersweet because I finally " get it", and bittersweet because I cannot be there with her but I am glad I realize just what I have to be thankful for this year.

I am thankful she is alive today. Two days ago I wasn't even sure that was going to be a possiblity. I am thankful that I finally see it for what it is. I am thankful that I have a mom who is forgiving. Though, I am not even sure I could forgive if I were in her shoes.

We may fight, we may disagree, we may not always like eachother but one thing still remains....we love eachother. She has always been my best friend and she always will be.

That my friends is being thankful. Please remember to always work things out. There is no better time than now. Tomorrow may be too late.

Happy Thanksgiving to each and every one of you.

So many thoughts, so little time.

2005-11-23T10:49:00.000-08:00

I kind of feel like that fairy over there. My heads up against a wall. Today I feel like banging it over and over. AOL has a way of making me feel that way. A couple dozen complaints? Who are they kidding?

::shaking head::

I must admit I was shocked by that statement. They are worse than I thought. Just reinforces my reasons for coming here.

I have been giving it some thought though. I am going to make my 3 other journals public again with a link to this blog and an open letter to AOL.

I would imagine with the publicity we are starting to get people will begin to snoop around. I want people to see how I really think about the ads and AOl. The more who see it the better. AOL can not hide from this anymore. Publicly they will no longer be able to say that there were only a dozen complaints if everywhere you go there are journals with open letters to AOL in protest. I am pretty sure they will TOS me and I could care less. I have worked hard for over a year now at journaling but they took the fun out of my journals and when I go back to them I feel violated. Wronged.

Anyway....

No word on my mom yet this morning. She had an echocardiagram and half of a stress test yesterday with the rest following today. I will update as soon as I know anything. I wish I was there with her. She is in the hospital all alone. I hate that she is so friggin' stubborn. Stubbornness is going to kill her in the end. She refuses to live with family or her boyfriend. She refuses to leave Texas. Damn that woman! She irritates me to no end! Ahhh, but I love her just the same.

I just tried that Peppermint Mocha creamer from Coffee Mate....yummmmmmy! I am just having my first cup. Poor kids....They never stood a chance this morning.

Anyhoooo, on to the next thing that is rotting my brain today....

Thanksgiving. We can either drive 3 hours and spend $60-70 in gas to go to my father in laws or we can stay here by ourselves. We had no invites with friends or any other family (except my Dad which we all know how that ended up) and I haven't been able to get to the store to get a turkey and the fixin's. There is no way in hell that I am going to take my 5 kids into a busy ass store all by myself! Just not happenin'! NOT! So, I am sure that there will be no stuff left and the turkey will still be frozen so I am thinking a ham maybe? Oh who am I kidding, the bird is what they want. We really can't drive over there because my boys are to be with their Dad's part of the day.

I am conflicted. Surprised?

Well, many many other things on my mind right now but they are going to have to wait for now. I hear mutiny in the background......kids, you gotta love em'.

** Update on my mom...

The Dr. has decided to keep her yet another 24 hours. Seems that her heart keeps stopping. He seems to think that when she came in they gave her medicine that was to keep her heart rate up and now they think that very medicine may be the reason her heart keeps stopping. So, another 24 hours with NO insurance. I am at a loss here. This country has GOT to start thinking about medical care for people like me and my mom. I myself, have no insurance. This country has got to wake up. No wonder she is having panic attacks. I guess she had a severe attack last night for over an hour and they refused to give her something to help her because there was no order for anything. Just like Doctors to fuck with you. You depend on them to help you and as usual they are nowhere to be found when you need them. Anywhooo, her tests all came back good. They did show her calcified valve but it appears to be functioning as it should. So, if it isn't the medicine that is causing her heart to stop then we have no clue what is wrong with her. Please continue praying for her. If anything, just pray that she has some peace of mind so she stops worrying herself sick over the money issue. I told her that I would write something to the hospital and see if they don't have some kind of charity for people like her. Anyways, just wanted to update ya'll.**

Lord, why must you test me so....

2005-11-22T13:28:00.000-08:00

I am a bit upset right now. As if I needed anymore stress or drama on my plate today. I was trying to be nice and bridge the gap between the refugees of AOL and those "left behind" so to speak. I wanted to keep intact with those who cared and enjoyed my journals. I thought I was doing those who followed me and my crazy life a favor. Not only because I would miss them, because they would miss me, but because I was trying to keep us all together. I guess other people see it differently.

I am hurt and shocked by the reply I got to the email I sent out today to my fellow j-landers with my new links to these journals. Many of you recieved the mail and those who didn't here it is......

Ok I swear AOL better not TOS me again for what they call a mass mail since I BCC'd this to too many people. LOL

I have finally gotten my new photo journal up and running. It is not exactly the way I want it but pretty damn close. I know it's not The Road Less Taken but I hope ya'll like this one just as much. The weather here has been so cold that I haven't gotten out much to take any pictures BUT I will soon.

I have also included my new journal called Serendipity. I hope you will all swing by to say hi.

I miss everyone at AOL Journals so much. I know some people do not understand why I felt compelled to leave but I do hope we can all agree to disagree and move on. Life is too short to fight about petty stuff ( refer to my last entry in my j Serendipity).

Thanks and hope to see you there,
Stacy

Serendipity Behind These Brown Eyes

Here is a response I got in return.

Hi Djzgirl71:

Thanks for the updates, lovely journals, like the music and the banner photos but what I don't like is that those of you that made the mad exodus to Blog Land can't just "Let a Sleeping Dog Lie." There was no accident, and no injuries. Everyone who was meant to escape before the storm hit evacuated. From what it looks like to me they have found some pretty awesome homes. Moved onto a new art adventure, one more suited for their talents. I've made my list of journals that I intend to visit often, but know what, I've decided if you don't come visit me, then I'm not going to come visit you either.

The mass rush to get the out of Dodge is over. How can you miss AOL when most of you all evacuated and left so many of your friends behind? You moved and the those of us who stayed did so because we just weren't quite ready to throw in our hats and start over again. Hey, look at you girl, a brand new start in journal land. I am sure you will have a big audience. Me I write for me. I post for me. If someone stumbles upon my journal and enjoys it, and want's to e-mail me or leave a comment I am ever so grateful.

Want to visit me again - then come through my front door, it is alway open to you.

Sincerely,

Marlene of Purely Poetry

http://journals.aol.com/mkolasa101/PurelyPoetry

There is only one Presence and one Power, God, the good,omnipotent. In God, we live, move, and have our being. Let us be thankful.

Here is the response I gave back....

You know, honestly, I am not even sure how to respond to this email. The only reason I sent out this was as a courtesy to my friends who have asked that I please forward my links on so that we can still keep in touch. I still visit your journal and I had planned on doing so in the future.

I guess I am taken back by your response and the tone it took on.

I am not angry with anyone for staying on and I would hope that everyone would feel the same about me going.

I am not waking a sleeping dog. I was trying to say to people that no matter what their feelings about all of this, we can get past this. I have left noone behind. I have let everyone that I care about know where I am and where I stand on this. I never whined and complained in my personal journal. I spoke my mind and closed shop. It wasn't until well after the fact that I voiced my opinion on what nasty things were being said about me for leaving.

I am sorry you feel the way you do.

I, for one, was trying to bridge the gap that has been created by inviting people over to my new home and saying hey "let agree to disagree, I respect everyone for their decision to stay or not stay".

You don't ever have to visit my new journals if that is how you feel. Your loss. I don't NEED an audience to write. I don't want an audience to take pictures. If you knew me at all you would know that in my journals I have always said exactly what is on my mind no matter what anyone thinks because I AM writing for myself. If I were concerned in ANY way about an audience I would never moved away from the one I already had!

Again, I am sorry you feel as you do. I do not like the tone your response took on and I am offended and hurt by it. You obviously have no idea why I left AOL. The banners were only a fraction of that problems I have with it. Hmmm...you never asked why I left though now did you? Remember, judge lest you be judged.

Stacy

Now, the only reason I have even posted this is because I am so very upset by this. I know sometimes I over react to stuff and so I just needed to get this all out in the open for my sakes. I may have been wrong in my response and you can feel free to tell me so. I was just so offended and hurt by someone that I have always looked up to for their accomplishments in their photojournal, and that hurt.

Please correct me if I am wrong and had no reason to be upset by this. I have never really cared about an audience. Sheesh, anyone who has read The Main Attraction KNOWS the mouth I have and how much I tell it like it is. Obviously I did it for myself or I would have been afraid of losing my readers and being TOS'd. That statement just burned me. It was like a slap in the face.

Ciao.

** Update: Marlene and I have cleared things up. I over reacted and she said things the wrong way. She apologized as well as I, for being so defensive.**

An update, a word to the wise, a link to my new photoblog...

2005-11-22T11:29:00.000-08:00

Just another huge Thank You for your well wishes. I wanted to post another update. I spoke with my mother this morning. She is still in the hospital awaiting the cardiologist. She was unsure what they were planning on doing when he arrived. She is thinking that they are going to do some more tests on her to find out what is wrong. The information I received from her varied from the info her friend gave me last night. I believe he was trying to ease my mind some. Her blood work and x-rays came back okay. However, her EKG was anything but normal. Her friend has had a heart attack before and he said he would bet on it that she was having a mild heart attack because the test was all over the charts. Very erratic. I suppose they will be doing a stress test today as well as a test that injects dye to see if their is blockage. Who knows though. I will know nothing until she calls me back to let me know what they do and find. I just hope they do all the right tests and know for 100% sure that this is not her heart before they send her home. She lives alone and I shudder at the thought of her having a massive heart attack alone. I hate that she lives 2000 miles away and I am powerless to help her.

I didn't talk about it last night as I was just so damned emotional but man was it scary. When she called I knew right off the bat that there was something wrong. I have been expecting this call for awhile now. I knew she was ill and that her heart was bad. I knew that there was a possibility that she may have to have surgery. I know that we are only on this earth for a little while and the almighty takes you when he is damn good and ready. I just never prepared myself for the conversation I had with her last night while she waited for her ride to the hospital.

I froze up and I tried not to cry because I knew how scared she was that she was going to die. I held back the sobs that were wrenching my chest and held my voice as steady as possible. I tried and I tried not to break down for her sake but all that kept going through my mind was what if she is having a massive heart attack and she dies on the way to the hospital? What if, what I say now will be the last thing she ever hears from me? How will what I have to say in the next 5 seconds EVER be enough to tell her how much I love her and how sad I am that we fought when she was here 2 weeks ago? How will it be enough to express how sorry I am for being such a shitty daughter to her all these years? Can I say I am sorry enough for not sending pictures of the kids, or not sending a birthday card, or for not calling enough, or for fighting with her on my wedding day, for telling her to fuck off one too many times? So much regret so little time to make amends.

I sat alone in my bedroom last night in tears praying that God will not take her, not yet. I have to much to make up for. I prayed that he give her another chance at life. I prayed not now God, not now. I thought about my oldest son and how her and Jake have almost as strong of a bond as he and I share. I thought about how I would tell him that the one person in this world that he trust almost more than me, the one person that he is so crazy about, is gone? It was just too much to deal with. My husband kept telling me that she would be just fine and I knew that in my head but my heart was just so afraid. All the what ifs and the could haves and should haves just tore me down emotionally.

I am scared that some day very soon I will get the call.

I cannot imagine my life without her. I just cannot. I don't want to. Please keep her in your prayers.

If you get anything out of this entry please let it be this....

Life is too short to worry about the petty shit. Let it go. Don't fight with your family, don't say things in anger that you will regret. Fix the hurts of the past and work things out. Sometimes, life passes you by so fast and before you know it, the ones you love will be gone forever and you will have the rest of your life trying to deal with the guilt and shame you feel for letting little things keep you from the ones you love. Life is just too damn short.

Ciao!

http://djzgirl2.blogspot.com/ my new photblog

New Update

2005-11-21T22:59:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to say a huge thanks for all of your prayers!

They are keeping my mom overnight for observation and having a cardiologist see her in the morning to make damn sure it is not her heart.

Right now they think it possibly could have something to do with her esophogus (sp? spell check didnt know that word)!. A couple years back she had some polyps removed off hers and this time they want to check for cancer of the esophugus.
I have had such an emotional evening.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day, right?

2005-11-21T19:48:00.000-08:00

Well, so far, so good. Evidently her EKG, blood work, and x-rays came back good and at this time they are ruling out a heart problem.

Problem is, they have no idea what is wrong with her.

I will keep you posted as I learn more info.

She is resting but cranky from what I have been told. LOL That's my mom. Always the fighter. I can't imagine where I get my stubbornness from.

Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers.

Keep it up guys, she's not out of the woods yet but I sure am hopeful knowing I have so many people who care that are saying a little prayer.

Ciao for now,
Stacy

2005-11-21T16:40:00.000-08:00

I need your prayers. I need them right now.

My mom is on her way to the ER. She may behaving a heartattack. She has every sign and she already knows she has a calcified valve in her heart.

I know she will most likely be okay. In any case, please say a prayer.

Stacy

Brrrrr......

2005-11-21T11:40:00.000-08:00

Wow, we have some freezing fog here this morning. Brrrrr....good thing I don't have to work this morning! I do not feel like going anywhere today, except back to sleep. LMAO. Brody has been exceptionally good today (so far) and Liam is just drawing his life away. I had planned on going out to take some pictures but man o man it is cold outside. By this weekend it is to start snowing again. Fine by me I guess. I love snow. I mean I reallllly love snow! If it snowed everyday for the rest of winter I would be a happy person. As long as it stopped in time for spring I would be a very happy camper. This town comes alive in the winter. It is a ski resort town so we depend on lots of snow for our economy. Besides, even without the resort it is remarkably beautiful here in the winter. It's like a winter wonderland. One thing I just love about the winter here around the holidays is that when you go downtown, which is very historical, the streets are lined with small aspen trees with strings of white lights on them and they have LARGE speakers lining the buildings that's play Christmas music until the New Years. It is very romantic to walk downtown all bundled up with hats, scarves, and gloves from bar to bar sipping on Hot Totties, Angelico, or Spanish Coffees. I love hot chocolate laced with rumplmintz. YUMMY! I can't wait for our first REAL snowfall here. We have only had about a half an inch on the ground at one time.

Well, now that I have made you cold and curse the snow, (I know most hate the snow) I will leave you with my little picture up there to look at. It looks like snow, it feels like snow, but it is freezing fog.

Hmmmmph, where's my coffee? I am cold just looking outside!

Have a good one.

It just wasn't gonna happen I tell ya.....

2005-11-20T20:34:00.000-08:00

....I wanted to go take some pictures but as usual I sat my fat ass here at the computer reading all the new blogs here at Blog Spot!

So, I did manage to take some shots though not real good, I thought I would share them anyways! It truly was a magnificent day outside today! You just couldn't ask for better November weather.

Brody monster is home and in rare form already. This is going to be a looooooong two weeks. Somehow I will manage to stay sane, I think.

I do love that child but sometimes his issues are just too much to deal with. His own mother cannot handle him so what makes everyone assume that I can? It is purely maddening I assure you. I will make due. I always do.

Anyways, here are my pictures. I sure do miss AOL and how I could resize my shots to a LARGE size. If anyone has a clue as to how to change the size without losing the resolution PLEASE do tell.

Have a good next week, I have no work. Neener neener neener! :0)

CIAO!
Right here in town

My Boo, Liam .

It's Sunday and I am about to go for a "Sunday" drive...

2005-11-20T12:15:00.000-08:00

The weather today is freaking brilliant! Two weeks ago there was snow! >>>>see?
Today I must embark on my bi-weekly journey to the mountain pass to pick up my step son. Usually, I feel almost angry about having to make that drive. Afterall, it takes 3 hours out of my day and in the snow it can take 4-5 hours. Today however, I am relatively tickled at the thought of soaking in the sun and driving up to take some pictures. Typically we are in a hurry and we do not have the time to stop so today.....I will make the time and I will take the road less taken.

We had a visitor to our new abode last night. My sister-in-law drove over the mountain to come and see our new place and escape her failing marriage. I didn't ask her any questions about anything. I figure, since we don't know eachother well, it is none of my business. Had she wanted to talk about it I am sure she would have shared the details. I have gotten bits and pieces of what has taken place but I just want her to feel comfortable with me. I know she is hurting right now and I just want her to be okay. My husband feels the same and we both are terribly worried about her. Her and I went shopping yesterday and we went to a local bar and grill for lunch and beer. She was so animated about having a beer at noon. I found it to be extremely humorous! "Girl, where I come from noon is the perfect time to start the libations"!
She on the other hand, kept asking if that was okay! HE HE. Sheesh, as a child I spent a great many Saturdays at the tavern with my parents drinking shirley temples and watching football, hockey, and baseball. I was raised right outside of St. Louis and let me tell you....My family is as redneck as all get out! I was raised with a jukebox! So, anyways, we had lunch and I did something very unusual for me....I spent some money on myself. I bought some very much needed jeans and a fleece pullover in pink and a new purse/wallet since mine was stolen! After all that we went and got my hubby and took him to Wal-Mart for some clothes for him. He will never listen to me that he dresses like a bum and that wrinkled shirts are a TURNOFF! His sister took pity on me and she made him buy something nice and pants that were baggy! LOL. I even managed to get him out of those ratty Nike's he has overly abused in the last year and a half! OH THANK YOU sis-in-law of mine. He looked good enough to eat I tell ya! Then she informed him, as I always do, that women love cologne and he MUST wear some! Sheesh, maybe she should live here! LOL. We left there and went out for food and more beer. The Oregon State/University of Oregon Civil War game was yesterday so we watched from home and at the bar. The crowd was crazy earlier on I hear. UofO handed Osu their ass! OMG it was the ultimate smack down!! We are huge UofO fans so I must admit we needed to celebrate! It was something like 54-14. We ate and then we went to the topless bar because my best friends man works there so we were to go there, see him, and then go to the Grove to dance. Well, there was a famous porn star there..OMG it was an interesting night. After that I was bored and wanted to go home and sleep. My margarita there was $6.50 and it was like a 4 ounce glass! Yeah, I was ready to go to the good olf fashioned tavern and tie one on there instead. Oh well I am getting painfully older than dirt so I was tired, what can I say? Sucks. Here is a shot of my hub and his baby sister..... They were being rather..umm..goofy! Here are some other shots from our evening. The one of us turned out horribly. What, me with my double chin and him with the no smile! What a pair we are. We both take bad pictures. The other pic is a pic of him that I really love. He is so handsome. GAWD....love him to pieces. What's not to love? I love his green eyes! Anyhoooooo, I must get ready for my drive to the pass. I do hope that today finds you as happy as I am today. Even if I am going to pick up the monster boy! LOL

CIAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-11-19T00:33:00.000-08:00

I had a fairly decent day today. Worked long and hard and then spent 3 hours at the social security office and the DMV getting my "identity" back! We took all the kids to their other parents houses and we had an unexpected visitor show up from Cottage Grove. My husband's younger sister came to visit for the weekend. You know what that means ehhhhh? Stacy gonna party this weekend. She said the drinks are on her! Uh hello.....I am soooooo there! LOL. Right now things are relatively "calm" here. That will change soon enough with Brody coming back Sunday. I do not feel like spending the holidays with family this year so we are cooking up the grub here. Fine by me, family can be such a drag sometimes anyway. I love cooking and my kids love my cooking so it's all good.

I have high hopes for this weekend. It has been beautiful here and I really want to get out and take some pictures while the sun sticks around. The mountains are covered in snow and the ski resort has already opened it's lifts! Hopefully I will have some pics to share with you soon. You know me I hate to go long without sharing my pictures.

I have a lot of work to do this weekend trying to get things moved over here from ASSOHELL. I also have my work cut out with bloglines to have alerts to all my fav journals.

Hope ya'll have a great weekend.

2005-11-18T07:19:00.000-08:00

The Dawn of a new day.

This is the view outside my bedroom window. This is what I see every morning as I awake. Today is a new day and though it has started out looking beautiful, I must say that I am saddened by the new events in J-Land. Jimmy ( Stupid) has quit his journal. Someone has been harrassing him. The ignorance of certain people never fails to surprise me. It is a sad day indeed.

I hope when the sun comes all the way up I can find some peace of mind today.

I hope all of you find the same.

2005-11-17T20:01:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh what a day! I am whooped. Dinner was a feat as always. I must openly admit just how much I love some of the quirks blogger has! Loading pictures is a freakin' snap! The only thing I truly truly miss is music in my journal and having an about me section that I actually know how to use. I have absolutely no idea how to change the look of my journal anymore. But, as always, I will just have to learn all over again.

Kids are being turds right now. When aren't they? LMAO.

I love this picture of Liam. He was playing out in the snow! I am thinking about making another journal on here just for my photography.

What do you think?

I will never go back to AOL.

I do miss The Road Less Taken. A lot.

Stacy

OOOOooo I am mad!

2005-11-16T14:57:00.000-08:00

After I spent umpteen minutes on the phone with the dumbasses over there at AOL, I finally was able to get into my mail box and start saving my addresses and writing down my web addresses for my favorites. Once I finish all that I am gone. There was a time before today that I thought about staying but now I am too pissed at AOL and at certain journalers to EVER want to stay.

So, far I have been critisized, told that I am only leaving because I can't think for myself and am just following the Vivi Award people, that I am a bitch, that I am stupid and on and on and on.
Well ya know what? SCREW ALL OF YOU who say this shit! Do you think I cannot think for myself? Screw off stupid bitches! I am leaving for so many reasons it aint even funny.
OMG you have to sign in to comment in my journal? Oh what you too lazy for that too? Well, I see how much my friendship means to my so called friends!

All I keep hearing about is how we all got our panties in a wad blah blah blah and how you are so tired of hearing how stupid we are and how much we are whiners! Well ya know what I hear from you? OOO baby ooo baby I like it when you do me in the ass when you bend me over like that...yeah AOL you're so good to me when you do me the way you do and if I weren't so lazy I would thank you for screwing me blah blah blah...

How you like them apples?

Reason # 9million to leave AOL

2005-11-16T10:13:00.000-08:00

I just got my account suspended on AOHELL for mass mailings! OMG what a crock of SHIT! I mailed all my buddies, say about 100 of them, so they disabled my account? OMG and you wonder WHY I am leaving?

Get a clue people!

For the love of God, why are people staying and putting up with that BS?

Stacy

Isn't strange waking up in a new place?

2005-11-16T08:22:00.000-08:00

Wow, ever notice when you move and wake up in your new place the first time, it feels calm and exciting? Well, thats how I feel this morning! I feel good having taken down that sign on my forehead that read "I am for sale Just ask AOL". I always thought I could never walk away from AOL Journals. Well, I just did. AM I going to miss it, YES! Will people lose track of me? Yes! Will I lose almost all of my regular readers? YES. Do I regret that? NO. The Main Attraction will live on here. The Road Less Taken is still being taken. Maybe just a little less now but hey, I'm alright with that. What I do, I do for myself so no matter who follows, I will still take my pictures and I will still spend 90% of my life whining and bitching about my 5 kids and hubby. So, get over it!

This journal will be the same as the other one...just nicer looking if you ask me.

Ahhhh, it sure is nice here. ::: I keep telling myself that:::

It is what I make of it.
Today is another day and those who don't follow me...well thems all bitches anyways!

Ta Ta Darlings,
Stac~

Welcome to my new digs!

2005-11-15T22:57:00.000-08:00

Pull up a seat people. I plan on being here for quite awhile. AOL has disgraced itself once again.

I, for one, have had enough.

So long suckers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so glad my AOL journal friends are kind enough to follow me whereever I go.

Thanks guys!

Stacy