Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Feeling a bit out of it today. 3 o'clock and still in my jammies.
I don't feel like baking cookies anymore. Don't feel much like cleaning or straightening. Don't wanna get up and shower. Can't see myself listening to Christmas music. Shudder at the thought of actually taking a shower.
Not feeling up to much today.
Been thinking. A lot. Today's thoughts have drifted to past holidays as a child. I sure miss the simple things we take for granted as a child. Things such as....decorating the tree with the folks, the smell of grandma's baking, caroling with the kids at school, old movie projectors operated by grandpa, the anticipation of opening gifts, warm feelings and hugs from the ones you love. Most of my day has been spent lying in bed remembering the good old days. Scene after scene played out in my head. I always thought that when I got older I, too, would be sharing in the hustle and bustle of making the season shine. I always thought I would be busy making pies and cookies with my grandma and my kids. Thing is, I can't bake worth a shit and have noone to teach me or share it with. My family is 2000 miles away and I hate it that I can't be with them. Even if I were there, it would/could never be the same. Since the death of my Grandpa everyone does their own thing. Since the death of my maternal grandmother, noone gets together all in one house. Things change. I hate change. I want one comforting thing I can hold on to and look forward to every year. I want to come together as a family and remember all the good that we have experienced as a family during the year. I want hugs and kisses, laughter and togetherness. I feel alone. I don't feel a part of anything anymore. This is what happens when you move away. Though I never made the decision to move away from my family, I still feel the guilt of missing out. There just isn't anything I wouldn't do to be at my grandma's house baking with her. What I wouldn't give to be wrapping presents with my mom sharing a chocolate martini or two like tradition dictates. So many I wish I coulds. So many regrets. So many family members gone. So many I love you's that I never said. My mom gets to go home for the holidays this year and I find myself longing with all of my heart to go along with her. I know it sounds crazy. This holiday season doesn't feel like home to me. I keep thinking that what if next year my mom isn't here? What if I lose a child? What if something happens to my only remaining grandparent? What if I never spend another holiday with my family together as a whole? Life is so short. It scares me sometimes when I think about all the time I have missed doing something special for someone I love. Maybe it's the fear of my own immortality. The older I get, the more scared I become. The craziest thing to me is that so much of what I miss is simply missed because of a lack of money. There are times in my life when I think to myself that I will do anything to have enough money to do the things that are important to me. Like holding my grandmother's hand in mine just one more time. Or, for instance, making homemade pigs in the blanket on Christmas Eve with my mother just one more time. Money. It always boils down to money. Money is evil. It make me think about doing bad things to get it so I can have what we need. MOney. Something so simple. A simple piece of paper can destroy a life. It can bring out the worst in people. I try so hard to not be materialistic. MOst of what makes me happy has nothing to do with money. It's unfortunate though that what I need the most can only be had by making money. Asswipe, toothpaste, food, shoes, clothes, roof over my head, all the above are things we need. I cannot provide for my family the things it needs without taking away from my family by working crazy hours and never seeing my kids or my husband. If I were to give up all of those things I just maybe, maybe, could save up the money to fly or drive home for the holidays. It all ties into eachother.
Sorry about that little rant. I was just thinking about how much people take for granted this time of year. Some people waste thousands of dollars on selfish little brat kids while people like me are worried about how they will provide food for their family the week after Christmas. All this and there are idiots out there who are more concerned with offending some foreigner with saying Merry Christmas! What has this world come to anyway? We have bigger things to worry about. I say Christmas, you say whatever. We all have a holiday to celebrate should it matter which one we chose to celebrate? Our country was founded on Christianity. Deal with it. This is my country. This is what we believe in. Why should I change that? I respect all faiths. I do not ask other people to not celebrate their faith or their holidays. Truth is, for the most part we are all celebrating the same thing just with a twist. It's all the same. If someone came up to me and was all like HappY Kawanza (sp) I wouldn't be offended. I would probably embrace their faith and ask about it so I could learn about it. Merry Christmas Damn It. Happy Holidays. Whatever. Just enjoy this life we have, spend time with the ones you love, be thinkful our creator (whoever he is or whatever you call him) created us. Just eat, drink, be merry, and forget all the other stuff. Life is short.
Posted by Stacy-Lynn ::
3:02 PM ::
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