Serendipity

Thursday, December 22, 2005

I think I am going insane.

Honestly, I think I am crazy.

I am on some kind of emotional rollercoaster. I am a mess. One minute I am ok and the next minute I am sobbing uncontrollably. It doesn't take much. Really. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I am just sad. Sad for all the things I have done wrong. Sad for all the times I was disrespectful to my family when I was younger. Sad for all that I have missed. Sad for the way things have to be now in my life. Sad that I can't go back. Sad that it's too late. Sad that I am growing up and getting old. Sad that I can't give my kids more. Sad that sometimes I hate my kids. Sad that I am a mess. Sad that my mom is getting old. Sad that she is sick. Sad that I can't just pick up and go to her. Sad that money is the root of all evil. Sad that I miss my family. Sad that I have family I have never met. Sad that my family will be without me another year. I am just sad. I can't help it. I try so hard to hide it. I try so hard to be happy. I try. I try. I try.

I just can't shake it off.

I put a song on this journal. If you scroll down to the bottom of this page and forward to the second song you will hear it. The first time I heard it I broke down in tears. I don't know what it is about this song but it damn near kills me everytime I hear it. It reminds me of things to come. It reminds me of my Grandpa. It reminds me of how it was when he died. I had moved away and the day I got the call. It reminds me of the person he was. It reminds me of all of my mistakes. It reminds me of church and his faith. It reminds me that the older I get the more I understand and don't understand. It reminds me that I, too, should believe that there is more waiting for me and some day I will see him again. The older I get, the more I run to my roots and my upbringing in the church and try so hard to have what I had so long ago. Back then I failed to see what I had and how there are some things you can never take back. There are things that as a child you fail to see how much they mean to you until you are much older and they are gone.

This has to be one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard.

Here are the words and scroll down to hear it while you read the words.

Believe~ Brooks & Dunn
Old man Wrigley lived in that white houseDown the street where i grew upMomma used to send me over with things

We struck a freindship upI spent a few long summers out on his old porch swingSays he was in the war when in the navyLost his wife, lost his baby

Broke down and asked him one timeHow ya keep from going crazyHe said I'll see my wife and son in just a little whileI asked him what he meantHe looked at me and smiled, said

(Chorus)I raise my hands, bow my headI'm finding more and more truth in the words written in redThey tell me that there's more to life than just what i can seeOh i believe

Few years later i was off at college Talkin' to mom on the phone one nightGetting all caught up on the gossipThe ins and outs of the small town lifeShe said oh by the way son, old man Wrigley's died.Later on that night, i laid there thinkin' backThought 'bout a couple long-lost summersI didn't know whether to cry or laughIf there was ever anybody deserved a ticket to the other sideIt'd be that sweet old man who looked me in the eye, said

(Chorus)I raise my hands, bow my headI'm finding more and more truth in the words written in redThey tell me that there's more to life than just what i can see
I can't quote the bookThe chapter or the verseYou can't tell me it all endsIn a slow ride in a hearseYou know I'm more and more convincedThe longer that i liveYeah, this can't beNo, this can't beNo, this can't be all there is

(Chorus)When I raise my hands, bow my headI'm finding more and more truth in the words written in redThey tell me that there's more to life than just what i can seeI believeOh,

II believe
I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe

I was just checking on my formatting for my last entry and this song started to play and I just lost it. What the hell is wrong with me? This was no ordinary "lost it". This was all out sobbing, face in hands, heart wrenching sobbing.

I think I have officially lost it.

Posted by Stacy-Lynn :: 11:05 AM :: 9 Comments:

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