Friday, January 20, 2006

Wow, long time ehh? I have been seriously busy lately. I will have to admit to posting in my AOL journal though it is private. Sue me.

There is so much going on here that I don't even know where the hell to start. My stepson finally had his evaluation with the early intervention group. My feelings were finally validated. He does have serious mental health issues couples with severe behavioral problems and possibly PDD (NOS) and ADHD. Ah to finally be heard. Maybe now my husband will begin to grasp why I have such a hard time parenting him. At this point, there is no doubt in my mind that I will need more counseling than him. After living with this child for almost 2 years I literally cringe at the sound of his voice. I am angry, hurtful, and downright done with this child. I do love him. I just cannot stand the mere sight of him now. Admitting that is hard but I need to be truthful if this is going to work. Parenting a child with any kind of disability is so much harder than it seems. Without the help from his birth mother who is a recovering meth addict and drank while pregnant with him, and the help, understanding and support from my husband or anyone else in his family I am worn out emotionally and have been pushed to the edge. Now a days I don't know if I am coming or going. I am glad someone finally saw what I see and validated me in the fact that I am not crazy, he does in fact have problems, and my husband and his family were wrong when they said he was a typical 3 year old. I am still dealing with shitty pants after 8 months of potty training. As if this wasn't enough for a family of 7 I got a call today that just about pushed me completely over the edge.

My step daughter will be 8 in May. That call confirmed what I have been telling my husband for awhile now. They believe she has a learning disability and needs some more counseling for the grief she has of losing her 3 week old brother 2 years ago. She was there when it happened and watched while the EMT's tried to save him. I guess he had a hole in his heart but they ruled it as SIDS. I had her in a group called Courageous Kids back at her other school and put her with the Hospice here for the same type of grief counseling. Unfortunately, that group has ended for the school year. The vice principal called to tell me it had ended but the counselor advised us to have her remain in a group and gave me numbers of the places where I canget her in. They feel she needs additional counseling in the grief area but on all other levels as well. So, now, we have to attend a meeting at the school about her learning disability and I will need to take her to other counseling appointments outside of the school. I am feeling very overwhelmed right now. I already deal with so much by myself because the hub works and doesn't believe in counseling. This has been such a hard first two years of marriage and I feel as though our world is falling apart at the seams. Man, I wrote a novel here. I write about this as much for the healing and venting as I do to document how far we have come or how far we regress.

Phhhhewwww....I need to take a deep breath. With both childrens needs and a marriage with 3 other kids who have their own issues and needs I am not sure if I can do all of this. Especially with their other parents 3 hours away and even without the distance they are seriously lacking in the parenting department.

Well, I must go cry now. My step sons mother just called to tell me she has no way of getting him for her visitation until Sunday. So, there goes my weekend without any kids and without him. I so need a break from him. Why? Why me?

Posted by Stacy-Lynn :: 12:34 PM :: 14 Comments:

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Monday, December 26, 2005

Just sharing some pics.

I am hardly in the mood to post a long entry today. Feeling rather blah. I miss my kids and find myself completely bored out of my mind without them here. Yeah, crazy huh?

I will post the pics first and come back later when I feel up to explaining my Christmas happenings.

Everyone wanted to see my new "do"......

The last picture is one that I took of myself. I played around with it and I think I will print and frame it for the hub as a gift since we had no money this year to give eachother gifts. The second one is a scary one of me without my "face" on. LOL

I will be back when I get a second wind.


Too many chocolate martinis this weekend. :0)

Posted by Stacy-Lynn :: 3:08 PM :: 16 Comments:

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Thursday, December 22, 2005

I think I am going insane.

Honestly, I think I am crazy.

I am on some kind of emotional rollercoaster. I am a mess. One minute I am ok and the next minute I am sobbing uncontrollably. It doesn't take much. Really. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I am just sad. Sad for all the things I have done wrong. Sad for all the times I was disrespectful to my family when I was younger. Sad for all that I have missed. Sad for the way things have to be now in my life. Sad that I can't go back. Sad that it's too late. Sad that I am growing up and getting old. Sad that I can't give my kids more. Sad that sometimes I hate my kids. Sad that I am a mess. Sad that my mom is getting old. Sad that she is sick. Sad that I can't just pick up and go to her. Sad that money is the root of all evil. Sad that I miss my family. Sad that I have family I have never met. Sad that my family will be without me another year. I am just sad. I can't help it. I try so hard to hide it. I try so hard to be happy. I try. I try. I try.

I just can't shake it off.

I put a song on this journal. If you scroll down to the bottom of this page and forward to the second song you will hear it. The first time I heard it I broke down in tears. I don't know what it is about this song but it damn near kills me everytime I hear it. It reminds me of things to come. It reminds me of my Grandpa. It reminds me of how it was when he died. I had moved away and the day I got the call. It reminds me of the person he was. It reminds me of all of my mistakes. It reminds me of church and his faith. It reminds me that the older I get the more I understand and don't understand. It reminds me that I, too, should believe that there is more waiting for me and some day I will see him again. The older I get, the more I run to my roots and my upbringing in the church and try so hard to have what I had so long ago. Back then I failed to see what I had and how there are some things you can never take back. There are things that as a child you fail to see how much they mean to you until you are much older and they are gone.

This has to be one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard.

Here are the words and scroll down to hear it while you read the words.

Believe~ Brooks & Dunn
Old man Wrigley lived in that white houseDown the street where i grew upMomma used to send me over with things

We struck a freindship upI spent a few long summers out on his old porch swingSays he was in the war when in the navyLost his wife, lost his baby

Broke down and asked him one timeHow ya keep from going crazyHe said I'll see my wife and son in just a little whileI asked him what he meantHe looked at me and smiled, said

(Chorus)I raise my hands, bow my headI'm finding more and more truth in the words written in redThey tell me that there's more to life than just what i can seeOh i believe

Few years later i was off at college Talkin' to mom on the phone one nightGetting all caught up on the gossipThe ins and outs of the small town lifeShe said oh by the way son, old man Wrigley's died.Later on that night, i laid there thinkin' backThought 'bout a couple long-lost summersI didn't know whether to cry or laughIf there was ever anybody deserved a ticket to the other sideIt'd be that sweet old man who looked me in the eye, said

(Chorus)I raise my hands, bow my headI'm finding more and more truth in the words written in redThey tell me that there's more to life than just what i can see
I can't quote the bookThe chapter or the verseYou can't tell me it all endsIn a slow ride in a hearseYou know I'm more and more convincedThe longer that i liveYeah, this can't beNo, this can't beNo, this can't be all there is

(Chorus)When I raise my hands, bow my headI'm finding more and more truth in the words written in redThey tell me that there's more to life than just what i can seeI believeOh,

II believe
I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe

I was just checking on my formatting for my last entry and this song started to play and I just lost it. What the hell is wrong with me? This was no ordinary "lost it". This was all out sobbing, face in hands, heart wrenching sobbing.

I think I have officially lost it.

Posted by Stacy-Lynn :: 11:05 AM :: 9 Comments:

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Has it been 6 days already?

Wow. 6 days with somewhat peace and quiet! Has it really been 6 days already? Sheesh.

Liam is leaving today on the train to San Francisco to spend Christmas with his Dad and his side of the family. That means after today I have one week with NO kids! Oh there is a God in heaven! I so needed this break. Trust me. The day they were leavingI was beyond stressed out and everytime the kids did something bad I found myself humped over on the toilet crying my eyes out. They were driving me apeshit. I hate the week before XMAS. They forget who Santa is and what a lump of coal is. I reminded them every 5 minutes what it would be like to have coal under the tree. Do you think they gave a damn? Nope. They were honery little shits anyway.

So, back to the 7 more days of peace on earth.......


Believe it or not, I have been shamelessly bored! Who woulda thunk it? LOL Sometimes I scare myself. It has been nice though. I better enjoy it while I can because come the 30th Demon boy (AKA Brody) will be back along with Sarah & Justin. Then, it will be on I am sure. They will have spent 2 weeks with their other parents and trust me when I say "it ain't gonna be pretty" when they get back. 2 weeks of drinking nothing but caffeine and eating nothing but loads and loads of candy and cookies. They will have had no rules or chores, not even a bedtime for chris'sake. I can hardly wait. But then, that is why God created beer. Lots of it too! Santa better bring me atleast 2 cases of the finest beer ever made. If not, he is fired. Fat jackass anyway. He owes me.

So, here I sit..on my ass....doing nothing....a war is going on inside of my body....battle of the wills....clean house vs. not cleaning house.

Which do you think will prevail?

LMAO.....gee I wonder?

Posted by Stacy-Lynn :: 10:21 AM :: 2 Comments:

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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Ummm...I dunno

Feeling a bit out of it today. 3 o'clock and still in my jammies.

I don't feel like baking cookies anymore. Don't feel much like cleaning or straightening. Don't wanna get up and shower. Can't see myself listening to Christmas music. Shudder at the thought of actually taking a shower.

Not feeling up to much today.

Been thinking. A lot. Today's thoughts have drifted to past holidays as a child. I sure miss the simple things we take for granted as a child. Things such as....decorating the tree with the folks, the smell of grandma's baking, caroling with the kids at school, old movie projectors operated by grandpa, the anticipation of opening gifts, warm feelings and hugs from the ones you love. Most of my day has been spent lying in bed remembering the good old days. Scene after scene played out in my head. I always thought that when I got older I, too, would be sharing in the hustle and bustle of making the season shine. I always thought I would be busy making pies and cookies with my grandma and my kids. Thing is, I can't bake worth a shit and have noone to teach me or share it with. My family is 2000 miles away and I hate it that I can't be with them. Even if I were there, it would/could never be the same. Since the death of my Grandpa everyone does their own thing. Since the death of my maternal grandmother, noone gets together all in one house. Things change. I hate change. I want one comforting thing I can hold on to and look forward to every year. I want to come together as a family and remember all the good that we have experienced as a family during the year. I want hugs and kisses, laughter and togetherness. I feel alone. I don't feel a part of anything anymore. This is what happens when you move away. Though I never made the decision to move away from my family, I still feel the guilt of missing out. There just isn't anything I wouldn't do to be at my grandma's house baking with her. What I wouldn't give to be wrapping presents with my mom sharing a chocolate martini or two like tradition dictates. So many I wish I coulds. So many regrets. So many family members gone. So many I love you's that I never said. My mom gets to go home for the holidays this year and I find myself longing with all of my heart to go along with her. I know it sounds crazy. This holiday season doesn't feel like home to me. I keep thinking that what if next year my mom isn't here? What if I lose a child? What if something happens to my only remaining grandparent? What if I never spend another holiday with my family together as a whole? Life is so short. It scares me sometimes when I think about all the time I have missed doing something special for someone I love. Maybe it's the fear of my own immortality. The older I get, the more scared I become. The craziest thing to me is that so much of what I miss is simply missed because of a lack of money. There are times in my life when I think to myself that I will do anything to have enough money to do the things that are important to me. Like holding my grandmother's hand in mine just one more time. Or, for instance, making homemade pigs in the blanket on Christmas Eve with my mother just one more time. Money. It always boils down to money. Money is evil. It make me think about doing bad things to get it so I can have what we need. MOney. Something so simple. A simple piece of paper can destroy a life. It can bring out the worst in people. I try so hard to not be materialistic. MOst of what makes me happy has nothing to do with money. It's unfortunate though that what I need the most can only be had by making money. Asswipe, toothpaste, food, shoes, clothes, roof over my head, all the above are things we need. I cannot provide for my family the things it needs without taking away from my family by working crazy hours and never seeing my kids or my husband. If I were to give up all of those things I just maybe, maybe, could save up the money to fly or drive home for the holidays. It all ties into eachother.

Sorry about that little rant. I was just thinking about how much people take for granted this time of year. Some people waste thousands of dollars on selfish little brat kids while people like me are worried about how they will provide food for their family the week after Christmas. All this and there are idiots out there who are more concerned with offending some foreigner with saying Merry Christmas! What has this world come to anyway? We have bigger things to worry about. I say Christmas, you say whatever. We all have a holiday to celebrate should it matter which one we chose to celebrate? Our country was founded on Christianity. Deal with it. This is my country. This is what we believe in. Why should I change that? I respect all faiths. I do not ask other people to not celebrate their faith or their holidays. Truth is, for the most part we are all celebrating the same thing just with a twist. It's all the same. If someone came up to me and was all like HappY Kawanza (sp) I wouldn't be offended. I would probably embrace their faith and ask about it so I could learn about it. Merry Christmas Damn It. Happy Holidays. Whatever. Just enjoy this life we have, spend time with the ones you love, be thinkful our creator (whoever he is or whatever you call him) created us. Just eat, drink, be merry, and forget all the other stuff. Life is short.

Merry Christmas,

Posted by Stacy-Lynn :: 3:02 PM :: 8 Comments:

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Monday, December 19, 2005

I would gladly take snow...

...Over the freezing rain and sleet we have today and for the rest of the week!

Well, with the weather and what not I am housebound today. Yay me. I needed to get to the bank today so that our checks don't bounce. However, the bank will have to wait. This girl is not driving in freezing rain on top of packed snow. Nope. No thank you.

Instead, Liam and I are going to start baking some cookies here in just a minute or two. We are baking chocolate chip, thumbprint, and sugar cookies with icing. I can't find any of my cutters so the snowman one I just got will have to do. We decorated a gingerbread house yesterday. Liam was in heaven without all the other 4 kids here to get my attention. He is loving that we get to do all of this , alone, and together. I must admit to enjoying it too. My nerves have started to settle down. I am feeling a bit better now that the PMS bitch has left the building. Oh how I hate that woman!

Today has been a bit of a downer for me. I refuse to stop listening to Christmas music. I refuse to allow myself to be down and sad. Problem is...the music depresses me. I took a shower and was looking for a hair clip when I found it. I found the bottle of perfume that my mom wears. I put it on and started to cry. She has worn Opium body oil for years. I smell like her and it makes me miss her. I spoke with her earlier. She was on her way to the hospital. She is having a surgery today. They are doing a colonoscopy and the other one where they go down your esphogus. She has polyps for sure in her espohogus but may have them elsewhere. Once in there, they will cut them out and take them for cancer testing. I am worried to say the very least. I hope and pray that it is not cancer. We have been down this road before with her esphogus and breasts. All three times they were benign. After the heart scare and getting off with the pacemaker I worry that this time she won't be so lucky. Time will tell and until then, I will be praying for her.

Well, my sweet little man is here singing Santa Baby and dancing...wants to bake them cookies. I love you guys but who am I to disappoint my little Boo?

Catch ya later....

Posted by Stacy-Lynn :: 1:21 PM :: 7 Comments:

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Sunday, December 18, 2005

Taken December 17th, 2005
Downtown Bend on the Deschutes River at Drake Park.

Posted by Stacy-Lynn :: 9:14 PM :: 3 Comments:

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Saturday, December 17, 2005

Bleep Bleep Bleep....snow again?

So yeah, it's freaking
snowing again.
Guess what?
I don't have to driiive! LOL. Yay for me.

I woke up this morning to a full stuffy nose, a cough that is a bit too close to bronchitis feeling for me, and the cramps from hell. Never effing kids=red. Oh crimmony. When will this madness ever end? Just think, there is Christmas, with no kids. Too bad I don't have a bear skin rug and a fire place. I wanna be my hubs Ho ho ho.... for Christmas! *wink*

Ahhhhh, we are almost done shopping. All we need now is the stocking stuffers and we are officially D. O. N. E.! Halle'effin'lujah! I am not feeling very spirity right now. Oh I know, I will march into the kitchen and make myself a really strong schnapps and cocoa! That'll fix me right up and give me a much needed attitude adjustment since my hubby can't!

School break started yesterday and I sooo am happy to not have to get up early to get these kids ready for school for the next almost 3 weeks! The school called me yesterday to tell me that a group of Marines came to the school for the Toys for Tots drive and they had a large box full of stuff for our family. Rumor had it that I lost my job. The kindness of strangers new ceases to amaze me. That was an amazing feeling. My other 2 step kids left last night so I made a point of taking some pics. Some of them turned out really cute!

I got my hair cut yesterday for the first time in almost a year! I think I like the cut but I need to wash it before I show it to ya'll. I have layers everywhere now. I am not even sure if I can duplicate what my guy did to me. LOL. Oh well. We have some errands to run so I better get to it.

DJ just made me some homemade french toast with butter pecan syrup. YUmmmmmy. That man has this way of melting me....which is a good thing considering it's been in the negative digits here. Right now it is only like 10 degrees. Well, shit just doesn't do itself so I better go for now...


Posted by Stacy-Lynn :: 10:45 AM :: 7 Comments:

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Posted by Stacy-Lynn :: 12:40 AM :: 4 Comments:

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